Confession: I have the insane/ irrational fear that I will one day be killed on a horror movie set. I’m nervous that I’ll be filming and some crazed prop master will replace the fake knife with a real knife. When I do my take, my co-star villain will actually stab me, thus killing me dead. The director will yell “Cut! That was bloody fantastic, love! Let’s take it again from the top!” but lo and behold, I’ll be dead.
I have three career goals that some have called outlandish:
1. To star in a Muppet Movie,
2. To host Saturday Night Live, and
3. To star as the ingénue in a big budget horror movie
(See? I don’t need an Oscar or an Emmy to be happy!)
I must look like a Jill. Have you ever met anyone and said “Oh, she looks like a Katie” or “Yeah, he looks like a Chad”? I am beginning to wonder if maybe people look at me and think that I look like a Jill. Not that it’s a bad thing…
You see, I just booked the part of the love interest “Jill” in Kenneth Brown’s new short film. Today I auditioned for a totally different short film, but also for the part of the love interest named “Jill”.
I start filming the part of Jill #1 this Saturday. For the part of Jill #2, I have my fingers crossed. I feel that I had a good audition, so now I just have to wait and see if I book it.
You’re running at a hundred miles
Flashing that million-dollar smile
And everybody turns to stone when they see that you’re alone…
-opening lyrics to “Sweet Lady” by What Made Milwaukee Famous
I think I first wanted braces when Jennifer Stogdill got them in the third grade. Jennifer was the epitome of coolness at Brown Elementary School. Her clothes always matched, her shoe laces always stayed tied, and my third grade teacher once cut a math lesson short so that we could watch a VHS tape of the Sears commercial that Jennifer starred in.
When she got glasses, I borrowed my Grandma’s extra pair, and I wore them to school. When I heard she was going to be a cheerleader for Halloween, I had my Grandma glue large white triangles to a purple cotton skirt that I had so that I could be a cheerleader for Halloween, too. So when she got braces, I made fake braces out of colored paper clips and rubber bands.
By my sophomore year of high school, I had long ago stopped emulating Jennifer, but I was immersed in modeling and pageants, so I knew that my crooked teeth put me at a slight disadvantage. Continue reading »
My tour for the play that I’m starring in ends tomorrow, so starting Thursday, I plan to revamp things here and kick the blogging up a notch. I am happy to report that making the switch from Blogger to WordPress has been relatively easy. I should have done that years ago! Honeybun is putting the finishing touches on my new office, so I expect to have a more inspiring writing space in the next week or so.
Eventually, I would like this website to run the gamut between my acting/ auditioning stories, my forays into writing, original YouTube/ FunnyorDie type videos, food, and fashion. Starting immediately, I’d like to do at least one entry per day and one video per week. In the next month, I’d like to showcase more of my original photography. (I just got a brand spankin’ new HP Photosmart scanner. Woo-hoo!).
I sincerely appreciate my friends and family (and strangers?) who have made the leap with me from my old Blogger address. Keep tuning in. Things are going to start to get very interesting. Exciting news: A few folks have requested the return of “This Video Blog Will Change Your Life” so watch this space for the next installment in the next couple of weeks. I would, seriously, like to do the entire book (and maybe the sequels, too?). In the meantime, I leave you with the original video from over a year ago (please disregard my fat face and my messy apartment): Continue reading »
It is no secret that I adore Buffalo Exchange. Last summer, when the acting work got slow, I even worked there as a buyer (weirdest eight weeks of my life, by the way). Now that I don’t work there, I try to go in at least once every other week, because on any given weekday, I find an overlooked treasure just waiting to go home with me.
This week, it was a Karta mini dress, marked for only $26.00. The person who sold this to Buffalo Exchange is an idiot. Sellers only get 25% cash of the marked price. This means she got a measly $6.50 for this fun dress. These dresses are going for $200+ on eBay, and this exact dress is at Neiman Marcus right now for $362.00.
Thusly, I am declaring this dress my Treasure of the Week! I wore it to my children’s theater appreciation dinner last night and was complemented right and left. At $362.00 it is a bit overpriced for a Polyester dress, but at $26.00 it’s a steal for a designer frock. I adore the vintage ’60’s feel and yellow is one of my power colors.
As I mentioned yesterday, last night I was doing featured extra work on the film Ex-Terminators, which stars Jennifer Coolidge, Heather Graham, Joey Lauren Adams, and Amber Heard. I played a woman who is part of their anger management therapy group, but because of my commitments to the play I’m starring in, I was only able to work on the film for just that one day and one scene.
I don’t usually blog or talk about any big projects that I’m a part of that are still in pre-production. (I write about them after they come out). It’s a tricky situation, but I try to avoid any possibility that I am crossing any unspoken or explicit confidentiality agreement. Right now all I have in addition to my talent is my staunch professionalism, so I got to keep that in tact.
But can I just say that Jennifer Coolidge is freaking hilarious? Out of all the people on set, I was most excited to see her. In my opinion, she is one of the strongest character/ comedic actresses currently working in Hollywood. I adore her in all the Christopher Guest movies. Because of her strong ties to improv (she used to be a member of The Groundlings), I knew I would learn a lot from watching her work. She did not disappoint. Every word out of her mouth was comedic gold, and I realized that as soon as my play wraps, I should take another round of improv classes and think about joining a troupe.
Let me introduce you to Melon Girl. Are you socially awkward at parties? Let Melon Girl break the ice! Are you tired of looking like the chump who only brings a bag of chips to the pitch-in? Let Melon Girl establish your reputation as the next Martha Stewart (or Jamie Oliver). Are you looking for a way to impress the opposite sex? Melon Girl makes you look like a creative, fun person– which will be a sure hit with potential dates and mates.
Yes, take her to BBQ’s, church potlucks, and graduation parties, and you’ll be the talk of the soirée.
I made Melon Girl for Honeybun to take to a BBQ tonight and apparently she was a huge hit. So, now, let me tell you how you can create your own Melon Girl. Continue reading »
Tonight I have to skip out on going to a BBQ with Honeybun and Melon Girl because I got a last minute call from my agent to be on set with the movie Ex-Terminators. It is just featured extra work, but I jumped at the chance to see Jennifer Coolidge work.
I have mixed feelings about extra work. Continue reading »
Have you ever met a vegan who was not annoying? Yeah, me neither. When I was a cocktail waitress in California, the following happened to me after I delivered a vegan valley girl the piña colada she had ordered:
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: Excuse me, ma’am? Is there milk in this?
ME: Well, there’s coconut milk…
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: I thought I told you? I’m a vegan.
ME: Yeah?
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: So, like, that means I don’t eat meat or cheese or drink milk.
ME: Uh-huh?
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: So, there’s like milk in this.
ME: Well, it’s coconut milk…
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: Yeah? I’m a VEGAN.
ME: The milk is from a coconut.
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: But it’s milk, right?
ME: I guess?
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: I’m a VEGAN. You’re going to have to take this drink back and bring me a margarita, instead.
ME: (huge sigh) Okay. Hey, since I’m here, are you ready to order?
VEGAN VALLEY GIRL: Yes. So like, I’ll have two fish tacos. But like no sour cream or cheese, okay?
I think when that happened, I was actually serving the future version on myself. My future self went back in time five years to tell my current self that vegans are annoying.
Two days ago, mainly for health reasons, I become a vegan. Continue reading »
Dear WordPress,
I did it. I’m a free woman! I finally left Blogger. We had been together for eight years, and things just weren’t progressing the way I had hoped they would. I kept seeing you out with my friends (like The Smallman), and I’ll admit it. I was jealous. Nonetheless, I tried to stick it out with Blogger. Maybe a part of me thought that I didn’t deserve someone as good as you or that my simple mind couldn’t comprehend someone as seemingly complex as you.
I’m sorry it took me so long, but Blogger and I had history. I met him in college and not being as ‘net savvy as I am now, he seemed like the best choice. Lo and behold, though. I am learning that you are not as complicated as I thought you were. In fact, unlike Blogger, our new relationship seems drama- free.
Eight years is a really long time to be with someone, you know? But as the years went by, it kept getting harder and harder to stay with him. He was unwilling to change. He was incompatible with my host server. And truthfully? He had let himself go. I found that I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore.
Everyone kept telling me that you were the one I should be with. Their voices only got louder and more insistent after Blogger flew into a blind rage one day and decided to throw out all the comments people had left me. Truth be told, I should have left him back in 2004 after he barred me from logging into my own account when I got a little too much attention for breaking the news about the Ashlee Simpson Lip-Syncing Disaster of 2004.
WordPress, I believe it will be different with you. You make me want to blog again. You’re so welcoming and accommodating, and dare I say it? You are stunningly attractive!
So here I am, WordPress, pouring my heart out to you on this balmy May evening. I promise to interact with you as much as I can, so long as you promise not to “accidentally lose my entries in a database sever error” or delete all my friends’ comments. WordPress, I’m all yours. Blogger and I are through. This time for good.
Love,
Indiana